Today Has Just Begun - Day 20

Obviously, there has been quite a gap in my blogging entries. I have thought and thought about what it was that made me lose the motivation. I think I have it figured out. On the 3rd of July my family and I had the usual Sunday dinner except that we did a BBQ this time with fireworks. Awesome! We still had healthy food around and some unhealthy food, but I definitely could have stayed strong and made good eating choices. My husband and I had said, on the way over, that were just going to have fun and not count our calories (this was my first mistake). Like I said in an early post, when I don't count calories, or even have one cookie I begin to think, "Well...I've already had one, I might as well have one more." Then when I hate myself after having 2 cookies I think, "Well... I've already ruined my calorie count for the day so I might as well just eat what I want." All it takes is the first cookie to ruin me, or the first thought of, "I'm no counting calories."

I figured that since I had been so good that I could easily jump back on the healthy wagon the next day. So I ate what ever I wanted. I ate a hamburger, a hot dog and a good amount of my s'more cookie creations. I realized at one point when I went to grab some more food, that I didn't even want it. I wasn't even hungry and didn't really care to eat it. But, with the food in my hand I thought that I might as well eat it because I wont be able to tomorrow. I mindlessly ate whatever I wanted.

I bet you can guess exactly how I felt the next day. Awful. Awful for what I had eaten and awful for what I had put into my body. None of those sweets and extra food made me feel good. In fact they made me feel worse. I had stomach issues for a while after and just felt sick. You would think that one day of that is all it would take to get me back to eating healthy and I would here and there, but I wasn't consistent. Then I saw that my weight had gone up 2 pounds, or so. This drove me into a further downward spiral.

First, I love when I can get on the scale and see that my weight is down. Seeing that number fall is the most motivating thing about trying to lose weight. It shows you that your hard work, calorie counting and sweet deprivation has paid off. It shows me that I am one step closer to my goal weight. But then the exact opposite happened when I get on the scale after my week of struggling. I saw that not only had I not lost weight but had gained some. My need and want to be healthy was diminished. I got so discouraged and grabbed a tub of ice cream, to what? Get me even farther from my goal? Yep. That is exactly what it did. Why is it that I think that eating a tub of ice cream will make me feel better because it never does? If anything, I hate myself even more afterwards and my body thanks me with indigestion, upset stomach and all that fun stuff.

I have dug myself out of that hole day by day though. It started with my cousin, Cassie. I was talking to her one day about my weight loss struggles and she gave me some awesome advice. I complained to her about how hard it can be sometimes to keep track of everything and that I just wanted to give up. She lightened my spirit by simply saying, "Do what works best for you. You know how to lose weight, do it the way you have before." She also recommended a book about how your mind has so much to do with you losing weight. It is a constant mind battle over your body. It made me think about all the times before when I was working out and would say, "You can do it, you can make it up this hill, you are so strong!" Why wasn't I implementing this lesson I knew into everyday life? I need to always tell myself this so that I can make it to the next hour being healthy, then make it through the day being healthy, and then I know it will expand to a week and a year and before you know it there I'll be, a healthy Tazia.

I was then helped a lot when I worked out with my sister, Kateka, and cousin, Sarah. We all three made a goal to lose weight this week so that when we worked out again on Saturday we could report back with the amount we had lost. They both said that even if it was only a little bit of weight lost, that would be enough. I don't know why that was so motivating for me, maybe setting a goal, or maybe just the idea that even if I lose some weight, no matter how small, it is still worth praise.

I ate healthy that day, along with yesterday and today is starting out great. Today has just begun and I'm going to make it.

Today I Slacked - Day 11, 12, 13

I think that because it was the weekend and the 4th of July weekend that I didn't really pay much attention to anything. I didn't work out on the 11th day but ate really well. Then on day 12 and 13 I didn't eat well or exercise. I admit that it was nice to not have to count calories but at the end of the day I didn't feel good at all. It is so surprising that by not eating well or exercising you just don't feel good. I didn't have energy and went all lazy. I didn't like it.

But those three days have given me a new kind of motivation. Its not that I have to eat these many calories to lose weight, and exercise this much to lose weight. Now it is I want to eat these many calories and exercise this much because I want to live healthy. I want this to be a new lifestyle, not just a temporary change. I want to have a healthy life.

Today It Was My Bike - Day 10

Calories - 1,300

Exercise - 30 minutes spinning, 15 minutes running and stairs

Water - 98 ounces

Today was fairly good. The only thing that I would change is probably eating breakfast. I had to go into work today (I normally work from home) because I had a team meeting. I work at 6 AM in the morning and so I had to get up at 5 AM to be there on time. I was frantic to get to work on time and didn't eat anything but figured I would grab some cereal or fruit at work or something. We got so busy at work though that I never got a chance. Then when we had the meeting I was so hungry in there that I thought I might throw up on the boy next to me. I even said to him, "I might throw up on you." I think he thought I was joking. Ha! Jokes on you boy, if I had thrown up on him. Luckily, I had some water to tease my stomach into thinking that I was giving it nutrients. I don't usually miss breakfast though. It has been pounded into my head how important it is. Since I work from home I usually will grab a bowl of cereal or something during a break in the morning and eat then. So I guess its not that bad that I missed it today.

Anywho... so my bike motivated me today. Its kind of silly, but awesome! I worked all day today and got off at 9 PM. I knew that the rec center closed earlier than 10 PM on the weekends, it would be dark outside by the time I got off and I'm not too fond of working out in the dark outside. That just screams, "Please attack me!" Then I remembered that my apartment had a puny gym with 3 cardio machines and thought that it was better than nothing. So I worked out there. I rode the spinning bike that had this incredibly intense screen that would show you all the normal information you get from an exercise machine, but then it would actually lead you through a work out and it was pretty awesome.

While I was reading what my machine was telling me to do next this came up.

Then to make this bike even more awesome it gives me more encouragement!

Its amazing that just these two phrases made me push harder. It reminded me that this weight loss is for me and totally got me through the work out. I will definitely be biking on that bike again.

Today I Was Disappointed - Day 9

Calories - 1,700
Exercise - 1 hour of vigirous cleaning
Water - 98 ounces

I'm a bit disappointed in myself and had a hard time not beating myself up about not blogging yesterday. I didn't even log my calories or exercise. I did workout though! I swam and I love swimming. My favorite thing about swimming is when I go under and push of the wall to start my lap. For those few seconds when I'm gliding through the water I am feel like I'm flying. Then because I'm under water I can't hear anything. It is the most amazing thing to be flying through the silent water. It is so calming and I'm completely addicted to it.

So after my calming yet difficult swim workout I went home and ate some food and then me and my husband ran erands all day. The only down part about yesterday was that I didn't eat hardly anything. I think I might have had 600 calories at the most. The beginning of the day was good and then, because of a fight with the hubby, it went bad. We both didn't eat anything and completely made up today but yesterday was just not a good day for either of us. I think it was because of the bad day that I didn't blog. I was angry, upset and didn't care to blog or care to eat for that matter.

I tried to do better today but didn't get to workout like I wanted. My mother-in-law came over and before she came I ran around like a crazy trying to get my apartment looking perfect for when she arrived. I was cleaning so hard and so quickly that I was dripping sweat, it was pretty gross. It was especially annoying when I was mopping the floor and would drip over areas I had just mopped, argh. But I'm happy to say that my apartment looked great for when she came over. It was fun to be with her too. We had a healthy lunch and then me and my husband did school stuff for the fall semester all day yesterday.

I felt myself lose my motivation yesterday because I ate way more salmon for dinner than I should have. But that wasn't the worst part. When my mother-in-law came over she told us that Splenda is not very good for you, but in moderation its fine. I don't really use Splenda in moderation. I confess! I love this stuff. I will use it all the time in tea. I look at it as the one thing that I can have that totally satisfies my need for sweet. But as we read about some things that can come from having too much Splenda we decided that it is probably best to cut it out of our diet or just use it every now and then, but not in a few glasses of tea everyday.

I honestly feel like I have been robbed of the one thing that kept me sane. The one thing that I could have and didn't feel guilty about. I love the calming wonders of tea and I loved that it was so tasty and no calories. But now I'm worried that it is damaging my body in other ways. Does anyone know much about Splenda, is it really as bad as I'm thinking? Is it okay to have it in one cup of tea a day? I'm so sad about this. Then I worry about all the little to no calorie foods I have been eating. Is this a bad thing in all foods? Like Crystalite? I love that stuff too! I need help finding new low calorie sweets to keep me sane through those tough moments. But then I feel so weak and lame for even having those moments. Blah...

I don't want to be too hard on myself but at the same time I feel like I need to be. I need to be tough on myself so that I don't give up and I don't give in. I'm going to make tomorrow better. It will be a new day and I'm not going to beat myself up for mistakes that are in the past. There isn't much I can do about it now except look forward to a new day and learn from those mistakes.

Today I Was Loved - Day 7

Calories - 1,600

Exercise - 20 minutes pulling weeds, 45 minutes spinning

Water - 75 ounces

Weight - 260 pounds

I was totally motivated to workout and then I went to work. By the time I was off, the last thing I wanted to do was workout. I wanted to be lazy and not do anything. When this lack of motivation is really bad, like so bad that I can tell I'm not going to workout, then I watch an episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I watch these people who are so morbidly obese and see them lose weight, workout everyday and eat healthy. It makes me think that if they can do this, so can I. I have no excuse to not workout because I'm far healthier than a 700 pound man and should take advantage of it. Those episodes give me motivation and I love them. I love seeing them transform into the person they have always wanted to be. If you get a chance you should watch them, they are on hulu.com.

So after watching an episode, I was ready to climb a mountain and then swim the ocean I was so motivated. I got a call from my sister though and she told me that she was going to go over to my moms and mow her lawn. She is so sweet and always thinking of others. I need to be more like her. So I went over too and pulled weeds. I didn't really kill myself doing it because there were just a few weeds here and there. But it wasn't the exercise I was going for, I just wanted to make sure my moms front yard looked good. After, me, my sister and mom sat around and talked and a surge of insecurity hit me. I asked them if they felt like they had to be excited for me when I lost weight because I do this all the time. They laughed and reassured me that they were proud of what I was doing. I loved being with them.

After my sister left, I stayed with my mom for a bit and talked and laughed with her. I had to drag myself away though and go exercise. I hate leaving her. I wanted to just stay there with her all night to laugh and talk.

I went to the rec. center and rode their spinning bike. I like the spinning bike because I get more resistance with it and I can bike standing up. Plus, the bike is facing this massive window and so I get to look outside while I bike. Watching the continuous flow of cars come is almost hypnotizing and soothing to watch, as I kill myself on the bike. Normally I will bike in the morning or afternoon, but it was night and so there was a glare on the window and I could see myself perfectly in it. When I would get to the point where I didn't feel like I could do more I would keep pushing and pushing. I would watch my legs move up and down in the window and imagine them skinny. The battle between my mind and body was a massive fight, but my mind won. I got the killer workout I was looking for and was ready to fall asleep the moment I got home.

On a side note... my husband remembered me saying, one time, that I wanted a teapot with a steeper inside so that I could make loose teas. Being the best husband ever, he bought me an awesome teapot with a steeper! I'm so excited for it. He said that he was making up for not getting me anything on Valentines. He is so sweet.

So today I was loved. I was loved by my sister for calling and talking to me. She could have called anyone else but wanted to talk to me and I love her for that. I was loved by my mom. She is so supportive of me and I had so much fun being with her. I was loved by my husband for the cute texts I get through out the day and the awesome teapot he got me. He also loves me for losing weight with him. It is much easier when he and I are both motivated to lose weight. Lastly, I was loved by myself today. As hard as the workout got and as much as I wanted to give up, I kept going. I did it for me. I did it for my self-esteem. I did it because I love myself enough to push harder than I have before.

Today I Didn't Exercise - Day 6

Calories - 1600
Exercise - 10 minutes of walking
Water - 75 ounces

I didn't exercise today, and it totally put me in a bad mood all day. I didn't feel good like I do on days when I work out and I was angry and mean all day, sorry AJ; he got the worst of my bad attitude. I didn't feel confident and didn't feel like I normally do. I had the intentions of working out. I was going to take my dog, Ernie, for a walk for like 30 minutes. We will usually walk around this lake, on some parts we will jog and it is a good cardio work out for me and Ernie. But it was hot yesterday and so we were outside for maybe 10 minutes when poor, black haired, Ernie started to get hot and pant. When he gets too hot or tired he doesn't push through it he just stops. So after 10 minutes of walking we had to stop and then I just turned our outing into more of a relaxing day outside instead of a workout. It was nice to be outside and just enjoy nature and the lake but I really wanted to workout. I thought that I would just workout later tonight and bike or something but when it came time I got lazy and didn't. I totally regret it now.

Its almost a good thing that I didn't workout though because now, for tomorrow, I'm super motivated. I have seen what I feel like and how unhappy I am when I don't workout and its like my body needs it now and craves it. I'm going to kick butt tomorrow and really work hard. I did eat good though. I ate the amount of calories I was supposed to and it surprisingly felt like a lot of food. I always think that I have to starve myself to get in the right amount of calories, but really I get a lot of food when I eat healthy. I did this with some wheat thins. I was wanting to eat a roll and thought that I could have one roll or 16 wheat thin crackers, and so I chose the crackers.

I do still battle with myself on what I can and can't have. I constantly want to eat more food, but I have to tell myself not to and remind my cravings of why I am losing weight. I have to picture myself thin, or imagine wearing smaller sizes and that usually helps me to stay away from more calories than I need. Its hard though. Its hard because its a constant battle with myself. I have to keep reminding myself of why I'm doing this and that it is worth it. It is worth it to be healthy for me, for AJ, for my future family. They are worth it and I am worth it.

Today I Struggled - Day 5

Calories - 1,300

Exercise - 30 minute biking

Water - 64 ounces

Today me and my family met up for Sunday dinner. I love getting together with them and we had a lot of yummy healthy food, but we also had rolls and cookies. I was allowing myself to eat one cookie because it would have added to my calories for the day, and I was okay with having more. Plus those cookies looked amazing. I stood over them thinking, "Its okay, you calculated a cookie into your day," but then I thought about how crazy addicted I am to that taste and how if I had one I may be okay with having another. This can then lead to, "Well the dinner is ruined so I might as well just start dieting tomorrow..." As you can imagine, I have been down this road before. I wanted to make sure I stayed good to keep my future me healthy.

I also wanted to have many rolls with butter and jam on them. The smelled so good and looked delicious but I allowed 2 rolls by themselves and they were just what I needed to satisfy that urge. I drank a good amount of water and had a great day over all because even though it got a little ruff today, I stayed strong.