When I was little I always thought that my "prime" year would be when I was 23. I thought that would be the time when everything was perfect for me. I thought that I would be perfect in everything including my perfectly thin body. The thing is... is that I'm missing that thin body. I don't really ever talk about my weight much, if ever, because it is an insanely sensitive topic for me. There have been numerous occasions when I have felt worthless because of how much I weighed. I have let my weight expand while my self-esteem diminished. I have watched those around me and there is not a moment that passes when I look and them and think, "I'm too disgustingly fat to be here." I have made chairs bend or break, I have been asked to get off of a ride at Lagoon because of my weight, I have been looked at in demeaning ways from complete strangers along with friends and family. I have let it all eat away at me to the point where I have reached, possibly my darkest moments, of depression. I have let my weight become the one constant in my head telling me, "You're not good enough."
I am here to announce that this time is over and that this is going to be MY PRIME YEAR! I'm laying all out on the line for everyone to see. I'm not hiding this any more! I'm not pretending anymore that I don't have a weight problem. (Isn't that the first step of something? Admitting you have a problem?) Well... here I am admitting it. I have a problem. I don't want your empathy or sadness. I only can handle encouragement, to be honest.
I think that the things that work the best for me is being held accountable. Even if you don't ever respond to anything, I know that your watching me and that is practically enough. I will have the knowledge that there is someone, somewhere keeping track of me and my weight and I'm holding myself accountable to you. Maybe I am even just holding myself accountable to my future self.
So...here are my GOALS!
- I AM going to blog everyday to let you know how I'm doing. Even if I just log my calories and exercise, I'm blogging everyday. I'm going to talk out every frustration and every obstacle I come upon. I'm going to tell you when I did bad and when I did good. I'm going to lay it all out there.
- I AM going to lose 130 pounds this year. My goal is to be at 140 pounds. So, from your math you should know that I am currently 270 pounds.
- I AM going to exercise everyday, excluding Sundays.
- I AM going to eat healthy everyday!
- I AM going to gain my self-esteem back.
- I AM going to be a confident person.
- I AM not going to be ashamed any more.
I'm ready for this. I'm tired of not being the girl that I want to be. I'm doing this for me. I am allowing myself this one selfishness and am going to be completely selfish about my body. I am going to make this my prime year. So... remember June 21st because this time next year you can plan on me being 140 pounds.
The Old Me
4 comments:
I am thinking about doing this. I am a mess in a lot of areas and need to get over my stuff.
Wahoo!! Wahoo!! Go Tazia!!
A quick question though: You said on #2 of your list that you were going to lose 130 lbs THIS year. Does that mean, from now to December 31st? Or one year from now? I think you meant one year from now, because as you close this post you said that next June 21st you'll be 140.
ANYWAY.
You are awesome. I think the best thing about this post is your courage to regain your confidence. I honestly think it is EASIER to beat ourselves up, then it is to build ourselves up. Our natural mind takes a look at our flaws and tells us how ugly we are, but to combat that and instead say, "I am beautiful," takes a lot of patience, courage, and effort! I think you are absolutely stunning, and you are such a sweetheart. The skinniest most attractive person is ugly if they are mean, cold, and unfriendly. So, no matter your weight, you will always be beautiful because of your kind heart. Regardless, I am excited for you to reach your goals and to build your self esteem. You know I am obsessed with weight loss so I will definitely be reading about your adventures!! Good luck! YOU can do this.
Yay, this is exciting! I remember you mentioning how you had once lost 30 pounds in a short amount of time (like a month I think it was?). That was so inspirational to me. You can do it!
But remember, there will be days, probably lots of them, when the scale stays the same, or even goes up, or you don't eat as healthy as you want. Take it in stride, remembering that tomorrow is another day to start fresh (or even the next meal is another place to start fresh) and once in a while we have to reward ourselves. There was a time when I lost a good amount of weight but I allowed myself 1 or 2 "free" days a week (usually saturday and sunday, so I could eat with the family). I didn't pig out on these days, but let myself have something if I really wanted it. If I wanted that cookie, I ate it. If I really craved Cafe Rio on my free Saturday, I would go get it. You have to reward your good behavior once in a while (feeling happy and proud to have those days or moments, not guilty) but remain on track the rest of the time.
And every day, be positive. Remind yourself of the big and small accomplishments you have done, whether it be that you took a walk, or that you chose an apple instead of ice cream, or that you've lost 10 pounds. Find reasons to be proud of yourself. Attitude really really helps, and will be the thing that either keeps you going or causes you to fall away from your goals.
Good luck! I am excited and proud of you for going after your goal. Lets work out this Saturday!
Tazia, I am so proud of you/inspired by you! I am kinda feeling that same dwindling self-esteem because of what the scale says. Thanks for being brave enough to do this-so I can draw from your courage and find my own. Love yer guts! You're amazing!
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