Today Has Just Begun - Day 20

Obviously, there has been quite a gap in my blogging entries. I have thought and thought about what it was that made me lose the motivation. I think I have it figured out. On the 3rd of July my family and I had the usual Sunday dinner except that we did a BBQ this time with fireworks. Awesome! We still had healthy food around and some unhealthy food, but I definitely could have stayed strong and made good eating choices. My husband and I had said, on the way over, that were just going to have fun and not count our calories (this was my first mistake). Like I said in an early post, when I don't count calories, or even have one cookie I begin to think, "Well...I've already had one, I might as well have one more." Then when I hate myself after having 2 cookies I think, "Well... I've already ruined my calorie count for the day so I might as well just eat what I want." All it takes is the first cookie to ruin me, or the first thought of, "I'm no counting calories."

I figured that since I had been so good that I could easily jump back on the healthy wagon the next day. So I ate what ever I wanted. I ate a hamburger, a hot dog and a good amount of my s'more cookie creations. I realized at one point when I went to grab some more food, that I didn't even want it. I wasn't even hungry and didn't really care to eat it. But, with the food in my hand I thought that I might as well eat it because I wont be able to tomorrow. I mindlessly ate whatever I wanted.

I bet you can guess exactly how I felt the next day. Awful. Awful for what I had eaten and awful for what I had put into my body. None of those sweets and extra food made me feel good. In fact they made me feel worse. I had stomach issues for a while after and just felt sick. You would think that one day of that is all it would take to get me back to eating healthy and I would here and there, but I wasn't consistent. Then I saw that my weight had gone up 2 pounds, or so. This drove me into a further downward spiral.

First, I love when I can get on the scale and see that my weight is down. Seeing that number fall is the most motivating thing about trying to lose weight. It shows you that your hard work, calorie counting and sweet deprivation has paid off. It shows me that I am one step closer to my goal weight. But then the exact opposite happened when I get on the scale after my week of struggling. I saw that not only had I not lost weight but had gained some. My need and want to be healthy was diminished. I got so discouraged and grabbed a tub of ice cream, to what? Get me even farther from my goal? Yep. That is exactly what it did. Why is it that I think that eating a tub of ice cream will make me feel better because it never does? If anything, I hate myself even more afterwards and my body thanks me with indigestion, upset stomach and all that fun stuff.

I have dug myself out of that hole day by day though. It started with my cousin, Cassie. I was talking to her one day about my weight loss struggles and she gave me some awesome advice. I complained to her about how hard it can be sometimes to keep track of everything and that I just wanted to give up. She lightened my spirit by simply saying, "Do what works best for you. You know how to lose weight, do it the way you have before." She also recommended a book about how your mind has so much to do with you losing weight. It is a constant mind battle over your body. It made me think about all the times before when I was working out and would say, "You can do it, you can make it up this hill, you are so strong!" Why wasn't I implementing this lesson I knew into everyday life? I need to always tell myself this so that I can make it to the next hour being healthy, then make it through the day being healthy, and then I know it will expand to a week and a year and before you know it there I'll be, a healthy Tazia.

I was then helped a lot when I worked out with my sister, Kateka, and cousin, Sarah. We all three made a goal to lose weight this week so that when we worked out again on Saturday we could report back with the amount we had lost. They both said that even if it was only a little bit of weight lost, that would be enough. I don't know why that was so motivating for me, maybe setting a goal, or maybe just the idea that even if I lose some weight, no matter how small, it is still worth praise.

I ate healthy that day, along with yesterday and today is starting out great. Today has just begun and I'm going to make it.